New Warning Labels

The Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on liquor bottles to warn drinkers of the hazards of over-imbibimg.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you're invisible.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.