DRINKER'S FAULT-FINDING GUIDE

Symptom:	Drinking fails to give satisfaction. Shirt front is wet.
Fault:	Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution:	Buy another beer and practice in front of a mirror. Continue practicing with as many beers as is neccesary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom:	Drinking fails to give satisfaction. Beer is unusually pale and clear.
Fault:	Glass is empty.
Solution:	Find someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom:	Feet cold and wet.
Fault:	Glass being is being held at wrong angle.
Solution:	Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom:	Feet warm and wet.
Fault:	Loss of self-control.
Solution:	Go and stand beside the nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom:	Bar blurred.
Fault:	You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution:	Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom:	Bar swaying.
Fault:	Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution:	Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom:	Bar moving.
Fault:	You are being carried out.
Solution:	Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom:	The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault:	You have fallen over backwards.
Solution:	If your glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put otherwise get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom:	Everthing has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault:	You have fallen over forwards.
Solution:	Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom:	You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault:	You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution:	Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not, treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom:	Everthing has gone dim.
Fault:	The pub is closing.
Solution:	PANIC!!!