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Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction. Shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another beer and practice in front of a mirror. Continue practicing with as many beers as is neccesary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction. Beer is unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being is being held at wrong angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside the nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If your glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put otherwise get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everthing has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not, treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everthing has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: PANIC!!!

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