- "My father is a glass blower."
"Does he make these fancy glass ornaments?"
"No, he blows the glass to remove the foam."
- "Sir, I've come here to ask for your daughter’s hand."
"I cannot allow it. Either you take the whole girl or nothing."
- "I manage to keep my head above water."
"Well, wood floats."
- Fortune teller: "Beware of a tall dark woman who will be constantly in your path. She's bad luck."
Patient: "Don't be silly. It's bad luck for her. I drive a steam engine."
- "I'm sorry I can't come to your party tonight. I have an engagement to see Romeo and Juliet."
"That's all right. Bring them along."
- "My sister has a new boyfriend but we’re suspicious of him."
"What makes you suspicious?"
"He always puts his hat over the keyhole when he sits in the parlor with my sister."
- "There is a black cat in the dining room."
"Black cats are unlucky."
"This one isn't. He just ate your dinner."
- Wife: "Scientists claim that the average person speaks 10.000 words in a day."
Husband: "Yes, dear, but you are far above the average."
- Warden: "The next person to interrupt the proceedings will be sent home."
- Husband: "The mailman told me that every woman in his block is in love with him except one."
Wife: "It must be the woman next door. She is stuck-up.
- "How dare you tell my wife what time I got home this morning."
"I did not. I told her I was too busy getting breakfast to notice."
- "Is your husband a member of any secret society?"
"He thinks so but he talks in his sleep."
- Artist: "Do you like my model?"
Spectator: "Yes, what's her name."
- Judge: "Seems to me that I have seen you before?"
Prisoner: "I gave your daughter singing lessons."
Judge: "Thirty years.""
- "Do you know The Road to Mandalay?"
"Yes, do you want me to sing it?"
- "I saw a young man trying to kiss your daughter in the park last night."
"Did he succeed?"
"Then it wasn't my daughter."
- "My father is still on strike."
"How long has he been on strike?"
- Drunk: "What time is it?"
Drunk: "Then I've missed my train."
- Boss: "I like an employee that comes right out and says what he thinks, providing he agrees with me."
- "I have told thousands of women where to get off."
"You must me a lady killer."
"No, I run an elevator in a department store."
- He: "Would you like to dance?"
She: "I'd love to."
He: "I know but my wife only lets me dance."
- Washington is getting spy-conscious. Every time I order Russian dressing the CIA takes my picture.
- Optician: "How many lines can you read on that chart?"
Patient: "What chart?"
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