JUST A JOKE OR TWO...

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  1. "My father is a glass blower."
    "Does he make these fancy glass ornaments?"
    "No, he blows the glass to remove the foam."

  2. "Sir, I've come here to ask for your daughter’s hand."
    "I cannot allow it. Either you take the whole girl or nothing."

  3. "I manage to keep my head above water."
    "Well, wood floats."

  4. Fortune teller: "Beware of a tall dark woman who will be constantly in your path. She's bad luck."
    Patient: "Don't be silly. It's bad luck for her. I drive a steam engine."

  5. "I'm sorry I can't come to your party tonight. I have an engagement to see Romeo and Juliet."
    "That's all right. Bring them along."

  6. "My sister has a new boyfriend but we’re suspicious of him."
    "What makes you suspicious?"
    "He always puts his hat over the keyhole when he sits in the parlor with my sister."

  7. "There is a black cat in the dining room."
    "Black cats are unlucky."
    "This one isn't. He just ate your dinner."

  8. Wife: "Scientists claim that the average person speaks 10.000 words in a day."
    Husband: "Yes, dear, but you are far above the average."

  9. Warden: "The next person to interrupt the proceedings will be sent home."
    Prisoner: "Hurrah."

  10. Husband: "The mailman told me that every woman in his block is in love with him except one."
    Wife: "It must be the woman next door. She is stuck-up.

  11. "How dare you tell my wife what time I got home this morning."
    "I did not. I told her I was too busy getting breakfast to notice."

  12. "Is your husband a member of any secret society?"
    "He thinks so but he talks in his sleep."

  13. Artist: "Do you like my model?"
    Spectator: "Yes, what's her name."

  14. Judge: "Seems to me that I have seen you before?"
    Prisoner: "I gave your daughter singing lessons."
    Judge: "Thirty years.""

  15. "Do you know The Road to Mandalay?"
    "Yes, do you want me to sing it?"
    "No-take it."

  16. "I saw a young man trying to kiss your daughter in the park last night."
    "Did he succeed?"
    "No."
    "Then it wasn't my daughter."

  17. "My father is still on strike."
    "How long has he been on strike?"
    "Sixty-five years."

  18. Drunk: "What time is it?"
    Drunker: "Tuesday."
    Drunk: "Then I've missed my train."

  19. Boss: "I like an employee that comes right out and says what he thinks, providing he agrees with me."

  20. "I have told thousands of women where to get off."
    "You must me a lady killer."
    "No, I run an elevator in a department store."

  21. He: "Would you like to dance?"
    She: "I'd love to."
    He: "I know but my wife only lets me dance."

  22. Washington is getting spy-conscious. Every time I order Russian dressing the CIA takes my picture.

  23. Optician: "How many lines can you read on that chart?"
    Patient: "What chart?"

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